Rediscovering Connections!!!
This is a little off-topic blog, but I believe I need to put it out there, as it might help someone. Although I'm very vocal, I never actually thought of blogging it—until a strange thing happened when I was coming back home from Mumbai. I was traveling on the train, and there was a boy sitting next to me, talking to someone, sounding all confused... Let's not get into the details, but yes, I overheard him talking, and it broke my heart. I wanted to talk to him in person, but I couldn’t. Since no one ever told me this, I don’t want others to suffer alone. So here it goes…
From as early as I can remember, I hated all forms of physical contact, whether with my parents, friends, or the guys I dated. Hugs, hand-holding—I'm talking about all possible ways of touch. Especially when someone touched my face, I just wanted to burn the whole world. I don’t even touch my face that often. Living in society, you can’t avoid certain gestures, right? So eventually, I got okay with hugs, hand-holding, and forehead kisses (this one goes to my mom) and became “normal.” It took a long time, but I eventually grew past the discomfort. The irritation became manageable, but there was a new feeling: Emptiness!!! There was always this emptiness I couldn’t understand. Like a state of zero feelings. I mean, who can’t feel the warmth of their loved one's hug??? For me, it was always like, “okay, someone's arms are wrapped around me," or “okay, lips touching my forehead; I count until it's over.” Eww. In my head, I always wanted to be a cuddly person. I thought I’d feel the touch when I was in the arms of someone I loved. Maybe he’s not the right guy, I used to tell myself. No kidding—I love my people, but I just can’t show that physical affection toward them. Years passed, men came and went, but I was still the same. I was more angry on myself because I wanted to feel all those feelings but no matter how hard I tried, I felt emptiness. And my wait finally came to an end when I met him!!!
I was head over heels in love. He made my heart and soul happy. I knew he was the one for me, and obviously, I expected I’d finally feel what a human touch feels like. After almost a year of long-distance, I saw him! I had a beautiful picture of us living together in my head. But reality was far worse than I expected. He was perfect, okay!!! He did everything to make me happy. I never shed a tear around him, and he never broke my heart. I was so lucky to have him.
But soon, all the irritation, frustration, and anger came flooding back whenever I was touched, and I went reckless. Not that his touch was uncomfortable or anything. I felt safe, and he never touched me without my consent, but still... Even if I wanted to be touched, I’d flip out every time. I was lost. It was high time I confessed to him. When I did, he said the nicest things to me. I was afraid he might leave me because, honestly, who would want to be with a girlfriend who doesn’t like to be touched, right? But he was different. We both knew physical touch was his love language. Despite that, he said, “We’ll figure it out. I won’t touch you unless you want me to. Even if it takes forever, I’ll wait.” And he did wait. But years later, we parted ways for different reasons. The breakup was insanely painful. Plus, dealing with this untouchability issue, I started to think, who would end up with me??? Am I so incapable of being loved???
He encouraged me to go to therapy before we broke up, but honestly, I didn’t take it seriously. Not because I don’t believe in it, but I was ashamed to come out about it. I barely confessed in front of him; how could I talk to a stranger? And on top of that, what would I tell them—that I can’t feel human touch? Or that I’m a touch-me-not type of person who folds whenever someone tries to touch me? It is as bizarre as it sounds!!! It took a lot of courage to finally tell my mom and see a therapist. Luckily, I have a great mother and supportive friends who encouraged me to seek therapy. And I went.
My therapist is a psychologist and a sexologist. In my first appointment, I took a deep breath and told her everything. Without delay, she asked if I had ever been assaulted. I freaked out, my breath went shallow. I’m a terrible liar, okay, so there was no point, and besides, I wanted to do this right. So I told her the truth. Yes. Then she added, “Clearly, there’s more than one man.” I said yes. It happened way back in childhood. I was so young, I couldn’t even tell the difference between a good touch and a bad touch. But all these years, I never had flashbacks or episodes about it. These incidents were buried so deep inside me that I never thought they would affect my current life. But the therapist said that burying them wasn’t the solution. She showed me the chaos it created in my life. Even though I never had an episode, the scars never let my body or mind forget it. That’s why irritation and anger had become a reflex when I was touched. After being miserable for so long, I finally had some answers.
As part of my therapy, she walked me through the stages of treatment. I had to face each incident one by one, maintain a mood journal, and read some romantic books (I’d literally never read one before) and related theories. She also created a sleep hygiene chart, including washing my feet with cold water before bed (which I always do), giving myself positive affirmations before sleep, keeping all devices away from the bed, and watching or reading something positive before bedtime. She asked if my parents knew about the assaults, and yes, they did. They even took legal action against them. My parents also knew about me going to therapy.
You know what it feels like to open the door to memories you've locked in a dark dungeon in your head so they never come out? Me neither. But I was about to find out. I was scared and shivering. Just the thought of them made my soul sad. After so much panic and endless tears, I finally spoke out about each incident in every tiny detail. I had buried them so deeply that even when I saw those people during gatherings, it didn’t affect me. According to my therapist, to protect myself from the pain and grief, I locked up those memories so deep in my subconscious and unknowingly created an imaginary wall that I never let anyone pass through. Another lesson was attachment with detachment. I had so much anger and so many arguments during this stage. But eventually, I realized that’s what we all do—knowingly or unknowingly—it’s just hard to accept sometimes.
She helped me face the wrongs done to me and make peace with them so they couldn’t affect me anymore. It’s impossible to undo what happened; no verdict can change the past. Getting justice helps, yes, but it’s really of no use if you don’t make peace with it. There are many ways to do that, but I would still suggest seeing a therapist because they know how to get it all out. It can’t be just one thing that’s bothering you—there’s so much more to your story. You need to go to the right person! Even if you have the slightest doubt or if you feel like sharing something but don’t know whom to talk to, GO SEE A THERAPIST!!! I felt healed, brave, and so much lighter. I am obviously better with physical contact now. It’s not going to go away immediately, but I’m getting better. I can feel now, and I like these feelings!!! I never knew I could be so clingy, and I sooo love warm hugs!!! I can’t thank my girl gang enough. I’m so lucky to have them. Those fuckers have been there for me my whole life. I don’t know what I’d do without them. Also my maa, you guys!!! I am so grateful to the stars that she is my mom!!!
PS: Remember, our fight is not against just one typical person, it's against the horrible mentality that they have. It will always be your choice to decide how to deal with these sort of perverts luring around, but sweetie you gotta put yourself first. STOP SUFFERING!!! It's really okay to talk it out. Also, if you know someone who is suffering, if you're friends with them in any way and you know their story, please don't use harsh words like trauma or abuse, they already know what happened, they need your support, not you pointing it out. It might freak them out. Let a professional tell them that. Kindly share this blog to who so ever needs to hear this and you can always always always talk to me, okay???